Dear inner circle friends,

The year 2016 is quickly coming to an end and in a lot of areas of our lives it feels like literally an end.

The end of a 9 year cycle that concludes one area of lessons and learning in our personal lives. Have you noticed how old patterns have been emerging this year, maybe those that you carry with you already a lot longer than 9 years? Have you felt the intensity in some areas of your live that have caused you distress, distraction or both? There is a reason for it (if we want to explain and understand it that is).

The earth has shifted into a new frequency of energy and like in our personal lives ( stories) those parts that do not resonate with that new frequency are simply exposed to be deleted, transformed, let go of.

Voluntary or not!

For those of us who believe in karma you could also say that karma is offering itself to be healed or transformed. For this lifetime but more so for many, many lifetimes before our current existence.

Have you been distracted by the US election? Have you noticed similarities with past leaders, past politicians, past circumstances and started comparing, started worrying, started drawing conclusions out of past experiences, past news, past stories. Germany seems to be a far more political country than many others and people take an ‘interest’ in politics. The interest often is summarized by taking sides of more outspoken people or repeating headlines from big newspapers. Yet there are also many who are better informed. Living in New Zealand has taught me that the most valuable resource we humans have for enjoyment, nurturing, healing or recharging is Nature! How do I make that jump? Well I ask myself what difference it would make if all politicians that make decisions or lead bigger discussions and rallies would have to walk thru a forest for an hour or two before sitting together and creating documents that make decisions about how we all should or should not live together.  I am making this jump because I have noticed how disconnected I became from my very own center after working here for a while. My whole being started being consumed by work, work and work yet again. Progress is the only agenda or making money or buying a new gadget or new clothes. The very little free time I had I often was too tired to even make the effort to go into the forest, which is right beside me. It started to draw me closer and closer into my head again and soon enough old patterns emerged. I can see how people get to live like on autopilot, like they have no energy to make decisions that are important for them. How they postpone confrontation or communication, how they put up with scenarios at work or in their private lives just because they are so occupied, so distracted, so tired and so tied down with expectations of themselves, their lives and their future.

Oh how I miss New Zealand. I am sending an incredibly grateful hug to the universe for allowing me to spend most of my adult live in that amazing and free country.

Yet I know free is also the mind. The limitations that we construct ourselves for us, based on what our parents believed or taught us, based on what our teachers offered us, based on our cultural and social expectations, based on how much we allowed ourselves to climb out of the platonian cave are endless ( which is a contradiction in itself).

Looking at all of my personal desires to improve my life, the learning, the books, the workshops and finally the discovery of the for me still most effective 2 point method has all had an impact.

And then a simple moment can destroy all that well deserved “I CAN” believe that took years to climb the mountain of blocks that prevented me/you from getting to the top.

The foundation has been build when we were still in the womb. In my case it has been very shaky to say the least. All the construction work that I build on top in the last many years, that IS solid, didn’t matter much as the bottom was shaking so quickly and falling apart yet again.

The foundation I talk about is trust.

I have come to understand that it is the most important quality and base for any form of life (yes: just MY truth). Trust is what makes a duckling follow its mother into the water not knowing the element water and not knowing if it can swim. Trust is what makes a mother eagle push its child out of the nest for it to fly, not knowing if it can or not. Trust in oneself is the best foundation one can have in life. Trust that we can solve our problems, which all of us face, trust that the day will always follow even after the darkest night. Trust that we are perfect as we are (not to use the words good enough anymore!), Trust that we can take a leap of faith into the universe because there is always a solution. Trust that we can make a difference, that we matter, and that we are important to someone.

Trust so that we can close our eyes and follow our intuition.

Thru my experiences this year I have learned about myself that my trust in people has been on very thin ice. I am not going into my personal story yet I have not learned to trust. I have learned that I can NOT trust, certainly not humans.

And that has been a major ‘roadblock’ and ultimately revelation in my ongoing story with him. Yes, the story continues. And I am sharing a bit of the personal story here to show in practical terms why I think trust is the foundation. I told you at the beginning of the year that my guiding principal for the year was unconditional love and my guiding question: what would love do?

It has been a challenging, sometimes very painful road. The painful part resulted always from communication gone wrong, from personal expectations that were not met (because the expectations have not been communicated but kept in the head… and again expecting the other party to read my mind.. hahaha as if that ever worked between a man and a woman) The communication between him and me was interrupted most of the year. I really feel some ‘one’ some ‘thing’ some guide wanted us both to learn about trust. For e.g. I would write an SMS but he would not receive it. (I am not kidding) Or he writing an email to me and I never got it. Or his whatsapp receiving a msg apparently from me that ultimately was a bug destroying all his data, or him wanting to just typing something important and then the phone falls out of his hand onto a staircase and breaks at the only small possible spot available for that ( big casing etc. and all). We had that ALL YEAR!

What I have learned is for me to trust that he actually did reply  or send a msg when I needed it or felt it was appropriate, whether I actually physically received it or not. But boy that took a few fights, a few sleepness nights, sweat and tears, unresolved emotions from way past to emerge and tears of desperation in between. I also had to overcome my fear of calling someone. I really don’t like to call someone as I always am thinking: maybe he is busy; maybe I disturb him, maybe maybe maybe….

We both have come to accept that the best way for us to communicate is direct, face to face. Then we are always in tune, on the same level and lately have had some very deep conversations.

And then there are my feelings for him. Until a few days ago I did not know where I stand with him, what he sees in me and if we can take the next step. Many times I wanted to ask but did not have the courage. I was afraid he would say no again, reject me. My son was my greatest help this year. I could share with him about my feelings and he did challenge me sometimes or was very honest about talking about how he as a man would see things. He also encouraged me to just ask. I had an exit strategy in my head. Well if he doesn’t’  LIKE me that way I will stop communicating with him all together. Than he will see what he is missing out on. Those were my thoughts in my head and I soon realized it was fear of rejection, not love that ruled my head. I had opened up completely once before to him (at the end of last year) but only got an “I am not ready for a relationship yet” and felt that was true yet also another way of saying no.

So one evening (and by the way we have hardly met often over this whole year!!!) we met at his office and he expected me to talk about another communication issue we had yet again. I thought my desire to know is bigger than my fear. I just have to find a way to say it so it does not feel to him like a gun to his chest and leaves me relaxed and in my center. We talked about all sorts of things (he is good in chatting and talking) and then he finally approached the topic he thought was the issue that night. And then I found a way of being very open and saying how I feel and that I am keen for the next step for my very own personal reasons.

It took him completely by surprise. Would you believe it… he had no idea I still had feelings for him. He felt that we have grown very close over the past few months as friends and he values that friendship tremendously. I could see and feel that he struggled for words (very unusual for him). I did not get the “I am not ready” response this time. I did get that he has to let that sink in and think about it as he fears he could lose my friendship with him.  Okay not quiet what I hoped to hear yet I felt he was truthful, it was not an excuse and it is actually a valid point (that understanding I had later). After that we had the most open and longest conversation ever where he basically shared is past hurts with me and explained in detail why he does not trust in relationships for himself at this stage.  I felt honored that he does trust me so much to share what he shared and to let me see all sides of him. The good the bad and the ugly. I felt even closer with him than before and on my way home and that night I realized that what was growing between us this year in our friendship is trust and that I now can see that this possibly would not have happened if we would have been involved romantically too. As that part is another ballgame again. I could see how my expectations of him where based on my feelings for him and the ‘let downs’ where experienced let downs from past relationships.  I can now see that there is a more open space for trust to grow in our relationship garden that is very important for the both of us this way was perfect.

So I am at peace for now with that. His honesty and my ability to start to grow in that area have made this year all worth it. My honesty with myself, being able to show my hurt to him , first or still sometimes I admit in very immature ways, has taught me to accept all parts of myself. The good the bad the ugly. I have learned that my desire to be with him on that level is o.k. yet his response so far has nothing to do with ME (being not good enough, not attractive enough, not … the list we find to diminish ourselves can be endless ha-ha) It is actually showing me that I am important enough for him to not jump into that situation and that he values our friendship a lot.

We now started to have even deeper conversations, share that we care for each other deeply and can be more relaxed with each other.

My son was so very proud of me when I came home that night. He waited until 2 in the morning for me to come home and tell him how it went. Boy am I a lucky mum to have a son like him.

And guess what…. All of this came from my desire to find out what unconditional love is and my question: what would love do? In the end I always chose love this year with him, even if it took sometimes a little while. All that was in between is simply always fear (in many forms) and overcoming that is so rewarding.

Yes, I am still sad that we are not taking that next step. Yes it still hurts (not as much).However I have learned to trust that the way it is now is o.k. and perfect as it is. I have healed a big part of my broken heart. I have grown in an area that I felt I had the maturity of a 15 year old and I have found my inner feminine strength again. I feel somehow more complete.

And I realize that live comes and IS waves. A constant movement, even when totally still it yet is moving, sometimes the waves are small and gentle and sometimes they come crushing down. The foundation then is the seabed that is in itself constantly changing and shifting. The more the trust grows the more accepting I can be towards those waves in my life. I will then grow to just fully feel them and go with them and learn to ride the next one instead of pushing against them. I like the analogy with waves and water as water has memory, never forgets anything it came in contact with and is always connected to every other waterway and also to the sky and the earth below.

We ARE the waves and as we walk at the beach or thru a river, as we stand under the waterfall, as we paddle over a lake, as we dance in the rain or find a drop in the root under the earth that will feed our thirst we FEEL that connection and rejoice.

That last word brings this letter to you to a close. I rejoice in the knowledge that you did read this far, that we are connected thru these letters, that you have been with me the whole time and that you are a part of my current existence here on earth. I feel closer to you as a human being after this year. I am happy to know that I am not from this place yet I have grown to be a full member of this family. I appreciate you. And I love you.

In deep gratitude do I wish you a final letting go of all that is no longer serving you to express your full potential. To BE just who you are in all fullness and with all aspects.

Love and Light to YOU my friend.

Catrin