Dear friends and soul family.
What an incredible journey this is.
One day, we will realize what a privilege it is to be here, even or especially when that other part of us (the human one) thinks of life as being ‘bad’ or horrible or painful or boring … the list goes on.
It IS a privilege to be here. To breathe. To connect. To speak in different ways and forms (music, books, art, dancing; swimming … this list goes on too!)
Whatever we are afraid of we can and have to face in order to experience that ‘privilege ‘part and understanding.
I have learned to trust my intuition more than my head, my heart in connection with my soul more than what I see or hear. Another big step towards appreciating life, myself, my journey and YOU.
So here is the ‘story’ side of that energetic shift.
Coming to the northern hemisphere was a pull from my soul. I ‘knew’ that I have to do ‘work’ on many different levels here AND that I had to move thru one of my biggest personal challenges and areas I feared.
And now I have.
You know part of the ‘story’ of me meeting someone. To take the end to the beginning… in the end who I was meeting was my fear and part of myself.
I knew that at some point the connection I had with him was disconnected. I ‘knew’ that another woman had appeared. I ‘knew’ that this was part of my ‘co-creation’, my insecurity, my projection of my past into the current future, my fear of being rejected.
I could feel it from New Zealand. (without having any ‘proof’)
I knew something changed when I arrived. Yet he was not able to communicate that to me. Instead he was avoiding me and hiding. Isn’t that what we do when we fear the truth or when we fear being rejected or fear anything? It is one of our coping mechanisms. And I was going thru the pain of my head, ideas, and thoughts torturing me/myself with thoughts, images, and memories of past hurt. Oh yes it all came to the surface. Yet there was the constant awareness of what was going on. I looked at it from another angle. I also ‘knew’ that his behavior has nothing to do with me but himself and his journey.
I would like to say again that the fact that I am aware does NOT avoid or stop going thru the emotions (states of energy), does NOT stop me from being hurt or feeling miserable. HOWEVER I know that I want to face all this, as it is just a memory from the past that really wants to be healed this time. And the only way to do that is to face it, to look at it, to experience it for what it is. And I am ready for that part.
Being so in tune with everything made me shift my focus back to myself: what is it that I do not want to face? What am I avoiding? (Which he in return would mirror back to me) And I made the decision that all I ever am looking for is ‘the truth’, that part that lies behind what my physical eyes can see.
And once I was able to do that and say: he is looking for something/someone else I could let him go (energetically). Letting go is so liberating. Letting go means for me to be free of the dependency of my own feelings. I can feel anything because I feel it and choose to feel it. In even clearer terms: I feel happy because I choose to, not because I depend on someone else’s behavior towards me.
The internal ‘letting go’ was easier than I thought. The process before that was challenging and painful. Yet the process before had more to do with my past and what I experienced then and what I now projected onto him and that situation.
Once I realized that really clear I could be kind to myself. And I let him go. What I ‘really’ let go was my past hurt. Because everything out there is only a reflection of my internal life/thought/belief/. So I let go of that and it feels good.
The best part is that I could let it go and still be loving towards his soul. I have no resentment, no anger, and no jealousy (I went thru all that before). I know his behavior has nothing to do with me. I still love his soul.
AND (I was tempted to use a big b u t yet I know that will cancel everything out I mentioned before)
I know now on a much deeper level that I am an incredible, beautiful, interesting and exciting woman (on that human level). That I have the privilege as a soul to live in this beautiful body and experience life in this physical world. That I want to share that incredible privilege with someone who recognizes that too. Who wants to be with me, who appreciates me, who ‘sees’ all part of my existence and who can’t wait to have adventures with me (may it be watching the moon rise over a bridge of mountains, dancing to a beautiful song, sitting in a meadow in silence, being a light for others, sending me a message just to say something and so much more. Because that is what I want. That is what I am.
I now finally, after all these years, appreciate myself, love myself and find myself wonderful. And I can ‘feel ‘it on all levels. I am excited about what is coming next.
So thank you dear soul for meeting me, thank you for showing up to teach me that most valuable lesson, thank you for honoring our promise we made before we came here, thank you for finally speaking ‘the truth’. Because that is what he did a couple of days ago. He was here, like most time with no time on his hands, in a rush. Yet before that he reached out, slightly. I could sense it. It was difficult for him yet I felt he wanted to speak his truth. He took the time (skipping 2 appointments) to sit down with me and sharing with me that he did meet someone new. He told me that nothing ‘happened’ but that the first stages of getting to know her was a reflection for him on what he did ‘to/with some woman ‘ in the past , only 10 times worse. Some people call it karma. I simply could sit there and listen. I felt a little sting, yet not a big one. I could hear him and could feel him reaching out. I could feel our connection again and am grateful for that.
He told me what he told me before. That he is not ready for another relationship. That he has trust issues with woman after a huge experience, which he shared with me when I left last time. That he needs to work on himself and get thru his personal struggles. And I agreed in my heart.
I also agreed (in my own heart) that I want a man that wants ME. First, not second. Who sees ME. Who wants all aspects of me. The friend, the lover, the mother, the heart and all of it.
So, there I am. As I told you at the beginning this was more about my journey, my healing, my path (and can only be so!) than about him. I am grateful beyond comprehension for this healing, lesson, letting go.
I am not saying I am not sad as that would not be the truth. I would have liked to experience the next step with him. But that will not happen. And it is o.k.
‘The truth will set you free’ ….. Yes it does. Somehow on a different level than I expected. I can move forward. I have found that feeling of appreciating and loving myself on a much deeper level. And I know that this is the only way to experience this in my ‘outside world’ too.
I raise my imagined glass of pure water and light and say: I drink to My Truth. Thank you!
Love and Pure Light and Joyful smiles to all of you.