Dear inner circle friends,
It has been a month since I managed to write a post. Time really seems to fly by although I know in quantum terms no time has passed at all!
You may recall that my word or phrase for the year is:” All I need is Love" and...." All I AM IS LOVE".
This truly has been my most challenging phrase/journey/work yet and I know I am completing a circle of many lifetimes and have decided on a soul level to leave nothing unfinished.
In practical terms. I am working 18 to 20 hour shifts in the beautiful old hotel again. Nothing has changed on that department. Whatever I started when I was here last has not been continued and yet I am starting again. I came at a time when things where coming to an explosion point on many levels so I feel in my element. What looks like chaos to many just looks like a knot that needs untangling to me. The words that come to mind are ‘direction’, clarity, purpose, unity, certainty. People have been waiting for me to come back and are looking for direction, clarity and support. I felt a very heavy expectation on me. I must say I am so very glad that people are so kind and lovely as this job is full on and it makes it so much easier being here.
The transition from my beloved Nelson has been a challenge. Everything has been grey here and very cold and dark. I am not used to so many days without ever seeing the sun anymore. Especially coming from a most beautiful summer. I miss my beach, I miss the sea, I miss my friends and I miss SOLITUDE! There are people everywhere here. I have been outside in the forest a couple of times and was longing to breathe in the fresh air and feel the space. And guess what: people everywhere. I have forgotten that I lived in paradise and that 80 Million people are living in Germany and I guess I have to venture further to find a space where I can be alone. Laughing out loud!
And if this wasn’t enough I am also without any of my children since over 21 years!!! And that certainly has paid its toll on me on many levels. We all miss each other and seem to be going thru very similar challenges this year. All of us are starting something new, moving places, countries and profession, are very far apart from each other (I know just in my linear thinking brain terms) and go thru a roller coaster of emotions. I am so very proud of them for being able to do this at such a young age. My heart always grows a little stronger when I think of my little dear family. I ask for my guardian angels to protect them and support them in their daily journey and learning.
And yes my 2 pointing has been a tremendous help. I am aware that all changes, all reflections, all current states of energy are originating internally and are temporary. Nothing ever stays the same. And that is a great comfort when it comes to the challenging times we all experience.
And now to the greatest love of all.
Most of us would possibly think that the greatest love of all has to do with romantic love.
Romantic love comes with conditions. When we say (and hopefully mean it) to someone: “I love you” we do expect and answer, whether we want to or not. When we are not receiving in return what we are sending out we are disappointed and more importantly: we take it personally.
I have been very patient with the person I feel for. I can, and am actually seriously thinking about it, write a book about our ‘failing’ of meeting in person, alone and outside our workplaces. It simply is not happening! The ‘stories’ that are being created as to the why not are entertaining to say the least. Since I am teaching and learning that everything in my outside world (and that ‘meeting’ that never happens is part of it) is only a reflection of my current believe structure (self-image, believes around how the world operates and that includes how relationships work) I have to question myself:
What on earth do I believe about me having a romantic relationship?
And you can imagine that I can only come to one conclusion: currently I am believing something that I actually do NOT desire. Yes I used the word NOT. Haha
I like mystery. I like adventure. I like Intensity. And I am getting ALL of that. And when I say, well too much of it, I am still aware that I play a big part in creating this.
When the situation bothers me, affects me, annoys me, and pains me: that’s when it is my creation. When I simply observe it I know it is the other party.
I told you last time about my dream about Jesus and that my question after that was always: what would Love (Light) do? This question was incredibly helpful the last 2 weeks. There is the human part that longs, that wants, that is dependent that plays games, that feels pain. The planetary energies have increased all those aspects to a point for me that I thought I can’t deal with any of it anymore. Pushed to my physical and emotional limits I observed myself lashing out, breaking into an old pattern of threatening to leave and terminating the friendship in a desperate attempt to get the opposite: a sign of affection, a confirmation of what the other person feels about me.
I was reminded of how excruciating jealousy is and how self-destructive those thoughts of insecurity can be. The darkest sides of me emerged!! And the pain was unbelievable. I reached out to my children, telling them honestly how I felt (and it was a very dark place).
None of this had anything to do with the other person. None of my feelings and thoughts is depending on anyone. It is all just MY Creation, my pattern, my thinking, my memory, my repeating of stories.
And then I dreamed about Michael Jackson. He told me that in order to support humanity on all levels, especially giving them hope and an idea of freedom, one has to KNOW, EXPERIENCE and FEEL what humanity goes thru. His song: “You are not alone” is one of my favorites and when I listen to him I can Feel he knows how that feels to feel alone (on that scale!) and that’s why he can create or did create songs that bring hope, that make us feel connected that makes us believe there is a better place to be created.
I am not comparing myself to Michael Jackson! Far from it. I am however feeling very different from humanity in the sense that I don’t have that connection that comes from romantic love. I have understood though that there is a greater LOVE and that is LIGHT or PURE LOVE that is given without any expectations.
How do we experience that? I believe by Choice. I have decided and ventured into the mystic world to connect with my soul and other souls to help me live this, give it, allow it. I have let go internally of the desire to connect with that person and thereby set him free. More importantly I have set myself free. Free from that dependency (I feel just good when I know he likes me kind of stuff).
I have also accepted that emotional pain is a part of our journey and I am grateful even for that. Being able to wake up and breath and feel is a gift. And I am not judging a gift or book by its cover anymore. Every gift is a blessing.
That is Pure Love and Pure Light and that IS who and what we all are. There is no light without darkness and no joy without pain. Both are just judgments of states of energy with labels and judgments attached.
Everything is Light and Information.
So I leave you today with an open heart, one that knows all states of emotion are equally beautiful. A continued strive to become more aware of the states of energy I find myself in. A desire to stay true to myself as in: All I Am Is Love. And to continue to ask the question: What would Love do?
I Love YOU with the greatest Love of all.